April 17, 1997

Thursday, April 17, 1997

Dear Diary,

We’re moving. I don’t know if that has to do with the way I feel but one minute I can’t stop laughing and the next I have to restrain myself from bawling.

Malin came over yesterday and we had a good, long talk. She’s living up in Bellingham now and I can’t wait to spend time with her there next year. I got into Western last week and I’m sure I’ll be going there. I’ve got time on my hands lately but it all goes fast and I haven’t done homework in ages. I don’t know what I’d do without Emma. Or Nina.

Tucker and I got together on Monday. He puts a smile on my face. All day at school on Tuesday everyone was asking why I’m so smiley. But that turned out to be a rough day.

I went to the soccer game (guys vs. St. Vincent) and I saw Aidan (I’ll get into that later). Emma, Jordan, and I got coffee and met Frieda and Margo at Allegro. We went to Aidan’s and Vic’s. Frieda dropped Margo and me off at the bridge later and we talked for hours.

I went to see Tucker last night. He’s in Utah now but he’ll be back tomorrow and we’ll kick it at Colin’s. I went running yesterday and Tuesday. It’s good for me and I need to make it a habit.

Aidan is causing me stress. He got home on Friday and we all kicked it at Magnuson. I was so happy for him to be home. I went to Skykomish with Drew to meet everyone on Saturday night and Aidan and I got together. I’m sick to my stomach about it because of Tucker and Margo. I couldn’t get to know Aidan again because this happened. I don’t want to look at him now and things won’t be the same.

Austin Bergman asked me to prom today so I guess I’m going. I need to cry. I need to laugh for a couple days and then sleep for a week. I’m a wreck and today Nina said, “I hate to see you like this because you never get like this.” I haven’t lost hope and I don’t think I will but there’s a deep sadness in me. I can’t stop listening to Fiona Apple. I didn’t write a quarter of what’s going on with me but this helps. I leave for Colorado on Wednesday.

Love, Meghan

Minor: Volume One - The Journals of Meghan McDonnell

Novice: Volume Two - The Journals of Meghan McDonnell

Limbo: Volume Three - The Journals of Meghan McDonnell

June 29, 1996

Looking back on my high school years, I feel like I was always filled with this mild existential angst and I could never locate its source. I wouldn't go back to that era if someone paid me. It's so challenging to be an adolescent; not a kid anymore but not an adult. A multi-year limbo of confusion and hormones and ennui; unsatisfying, not cathartic at all, practically voiceless. And for me it happened in the mid to late 90s. I feel overwhelming gratitude that I didn't experience cell phones, Facebook, Instagram, texting, FaceTime, and on and on as a youth. Kids have it far harder now than I did. 

The following passage is me weeks before my 17th birthday, on my way to summer camp in Northern California. I was thinking of Brian, a boy I'd met in Alabama and had a crush on. I was also thinking of Matt, a guy I'd known for years but whom I'd never thought to consciously look at in a romantic or sexual way though it had always been in the back of my mind. At this stage of my life, I had never been in love. I couldn't wait to be. I couldn't wait for passion and desire and for places to channel and fulfill them.

Saturday, June 29, 1996

Dear Diary,

I’m on the plane to Sacramento. Five minutes ago, I stood at my gate and the sun was shining in the windows. Looking out on all those planes felt like it did when I was leaving Alabama. Brian and I have a link and I will see him again. He called me on Thursday night and we had the best talks. He said, “We have to keep in touch,” and I hope we do. (“I still believe she was my twin” - Bob Dylan).

I picked Emma up and we went to her house with Elizabeth. We talked and played guitar all night while I thought about Brian. I wrote Emma a letter and left it by her bed. Yesterday, I picked Margo up from Cat’s Eye Café. We went to Lincoln Park and had an awesome talk about guys, our “guy style,” and got smoky.

I drove to Oliver’s last night but he wasn’t home. I stopped by Mason’s and seeing him made me realize that I have changed and I need to be with a guy who is solid. I don’t want to live how I used to live. Not that it was so bad when I was with him, but I could have done without it.

I came home and Oliver called so I packed for my trip before driving back over there and drank a brew and chatted with him, Elise, and Matt. Some others came over and we went outside to look at the moon. Matt and I wound up sitting in the living room. He told me he was very attracted to me and said that he was seeing me in a different light. We talked about how we’ve known each other for so long but we don’t know each other. I told him I was attracted to him, too. I asked if I could write to him and he gave me his address. He walked me outside and we stood there hugging and we kissed and now I’m thinking about him and it feels good to know one back home will be thinking of me while I’m gone. We talked about how things were different the night I came to Oliver’s to hear them play a while back. All the sudden we took a look at each other.

I have no idea what awaits me for the next two weeks. I want to marry someone in Alabama and I want Matt fucking Warner. How do these things happen? After all this time, it’s safe to say I want him. I’ll write you in Cali.

Love, Meghan

Minor: Volume One The Journals of Meghan McDonnell

Novice: Volume Two The Journals of Meghan McDonnell

Limbo: Volume Three The Journals of Meghan McDonnell

June 2, 1996

When I was a junior and senior in high school, I used to visit my sister, Elizabeth, at college on the weekends:

Sunday, June 2, 1996

Dear Diary,

I had SATs yesterday and I went shopping with my Mom. I went down to the Greyhound station and right before I boarded, I saw a beautiful guy load his bags and get on the bus. I walked on and every aisle was taken so he moved his stuff for me to sit down. I met Jude and we talked our way to Bellingham. He told me about where he’s lived (Peru, Prince Edward Island, and Kentucky). He was on his way home to his girlfriend from San Luis Obispo. We told stories about high and low times and he affected me in a good way. We exchanged numbers and I wonder if I’ll ever see him again. He wondered what he’ll be doing next year on June 1st and promised to remember me. He was beautiful and that sucks because it wasn’t like that. His shit came from the inside out. It came through in his eyes (brown “light” eyes that have seen places and things). I don’t know why I get attached to and affected by people.

Elizabeth and Martin gave him a ride home from the station. He invited us in for a bowl. His girlfriend called and sounded pissed but he was sweet to her. I said goodbye and that’s one more person to add to my memory.

Elizabeth and I went to a party and sat on the porch. I told her how soft, peaceful, and beautiful Evelyn Blackburn is now. Having cancer has changed her. I told Elizabeth I was thinking about Jude and that I feel a connection to people. She told me I realize that all human beings are part of the same huge cell. When one of us is hurt or distraught, it affects everyone.

I told Jude that I wanted to remember his face and he said, “You’ll remember,” with his silhouette against the window and the trees, like something out of On the Road. I hope I remember. After we got back from the party, I went to the lounge and chilled with Hannah and her friends. Everyone left and it was just me and Paul. He’s a cutie. I have this feeling that I need to go home and talk to Emma.

Love, Meghan

Excerpt from Minor: Volume One The Journals of Meghan McDonnell

Novice: Volume Two The Journals of Meghan McDonnell

Limbo: Volume Three The Journals of Meghan McDonnell

Summer Ennui: August 23, 1995

The following entry is a decent summation of my summer between sophomore and junior years in high school. Does every 16-year-old read On the Road? Is it mandatory reading for American youth? 

Tuesday, August 22, 1995

Dear Diary,

I’m not mentally ready for school. I’m reading On the Road. Even when I don’t feel like it, I must write: thoughts, songs, phrases, memories, stories, poems. Tilda was supposed to come home today. She’s been gone for almost a month.

I went downtown with Tula and Emma. I saw Bradley playing at the market but we didn’t talk.

I can’t relate to who I was before this summer, from my birth to the end of spring this year. It scares me that I remember so little about wonderful (and shitty) times I’ve had. This summer was the first time that I lived in the present and dreamed about the future without looking back into the past. I feel detached from it even though I usually dwell on the past.

I was whole and peaceful this summer. That made it easy for me to meet people and experience life especially since I wasn’t letting my past bog me down. But I met Bradley and let my mind get carried away with thoughts of him.

It seems that you start out whole and full and good - and you give your mind and heart to someone and in doing so you lose those to them and become a “shell of a person.” Sometimes you think you’re giving your soul away but that is the one thing that is free and can break away from anything that makes you crazy or sad or that makes you lose your sense of self.

I want to sing and play music. There’s something awesome about playing out thoughts and emotions through an instrument. I once asked Emma and Bradley if they thought about how awesome it is that a guitar can make such beautiful sounds and that you can hear someone’s whole being in a song. They gave me weird looks and said, “No.”

I hate it when you try to say something and people don’t hear you and make you feel like a spaz. It’s funny when you write or think something bizarre and your facial expression is calm and neutral. I’m being random but I think this journal should be for my real thoughts, not just “Oh, I went to a keg and it’s December 6th and I ate an apple.”

Love, Meghan

Excerpt from Minor: Volume One The Journals of Meghan McDonnell

Novice: Volume Two The Journals of Meghan McDonnell

Limbo: Volume Three The Journals of Meghan McDonnell

The Unraveling

The following entry hurts my heart. I was 14. I had just moved out of my childhood home into a new house and started high school in a matter of days. I didn't know how to cope with the stresses of adolescence and the changes taking place in my life. I began experimenting with cigarettes, alcohol, and pot. I was pretending not to care. It marked the end of my innocence and set the stage for turmoil to come:
Tuesday, September 7, 1993Dear Diary,I started at St. Mary’s. I’ve met cool people. Brady Lohrmann looks good. Gary is cute and so is Gill H. I’m in my new house and writing to you here seems wrong. I miss home. I can’t live like this. I don’t want to get used to these things.Here’s my problem list: I want to go home, I want St. Mary’s to get better, I don’t know Erica R. anymore, I don’t ever want to be with Oliver but I love him with all my heart, I miss John, I can’t adjust to changes, Shelby and I are different, and worst of all, I’m mad at God.MP.S. I got high three times this weekend.

Excerpt from  Minor: Volume One The Journals of Meghan McDonnell
Novice: Volume Two  The Journals of Meghan McDonnell
Limbo: Volume Three The Journals of Meghan McDonnell