This snapshot covers a fair amount of my adolescent anxieties: alienation from peers; curiosity and insecurity about a boy; my sister diagnosing me with serious conditions when I had a common ailment. I find it amazing that even at the ripe age of 17, I felt I needed to "unload" "emotional baggage." Almost 20 years after the fact, I still contend with a couple of these anxieties. Does everyone?
Saturday, December 28, 1996
It’s a winter wonderland outside and snow continues coming down. I’ve been listening to music, cleaning my closet, and doing laundry. I pulled out Oliver’s old tape and have been listening to Mother Love Bone.
Martin and Cara are in town visiting John and Elizabeth. Last night, John’s friends spent the night, drank beers, and we played Trivial Pursuit. The day before that, Emma and I went downtown, went to her house, drank champagne, and listened to Van Morrison.
Christmas was good but strange. I’ve had a hard time getting into the spirit. On the 20th I went to a keg at Lower Woodland and I only talked to Nate for a few minutes. He’s at Mt. Hood right now. On Sunday, I went to Cedar and Nate and I went to the beach and had a fire with a few guys and we tried to go to a pub but his ID didn’t work. Leah came over on the 23rd.
I regret not writing sooner because I can’t recall what’s happened since the 9th. I was sick and had severe laryngitis and Elizabeth scared me into thinking I had diabetes.
I haven’t talked to Nate since he dropped me off at the ferry. This fall went fast. As I cleaned out my closet tonight, I found all these things that reminded me of freshman year. I wondered: when people get past a certain point with me, if they get scared of me or don’t understand me. Like I lure people in with this fun, happy-go-lucky exterior, and after a time they see my other sides: my emotions, sentimentality, and complexities. And I wonder if it’s too much for them. Maybe I’m misreading it, though. I form very deep and intense relationships with various people and then they are gone. Like we get too close too fast and understand, relate and connect and then boom: the next day we’re casual acquaintances who don’t know each other anymore or secretly and silently resent each other. Nina and Emma are the only people this hasn’t happened with, knock on wood. As for other people, the list goes on (Tilda, Tiffany, Shelby, Brent …). Maybe that’s how it is in high school.
I have emotional baggage to unload and go through before I go off to college. I’m trying to eliminate my fear in this whole thing called life.
Leah is moving to Hawaii. We went to Beth’s the other night. It was good but it wasn’t the same. What the hell is? I feel lame writing Nate’s name in here anymore than I already have but he’s taken up space in my thoughts and he’s a question mark on my life.